reforming is painful...

just thought of sharing about my life.. about what i have been going through recently.. =)

i may be someone who will sometimes wear her emotions on her sleeves.. but i am not someone who will often openly reflect what i am going through in the way i look.. a good analogy for it would be people are only seeing the tip of the iceberg without knowing how much under current is going on underneath.. i think it is true for quite a number of people..

to be frank i am not exactly going through a very easy patch now..

as you all know from 2 other posts that i had earlier.. i graduated le.. and i am feeling lost about it.. after a chat with a professor.. and i got lost in my thoughts.. but after quite a bit of clearing up of the thoughts going through my head.. at least i know that i need to study for GRE and register for it, and also apply a scholarship.. even though i don't know exactly which option of furthering my studies is the best.. yeah.. think this week sermon 'The Shepherd who Leads me' - [Psalms 23:3b] hit a home run on this.. haha.. surrendering to God, pray and let Him lead me..

i wanted to do a spring cleaning of my heart and i started on it this week.. then i also prayed to God for Him to cleanse my heart during our church prayer meet.. and at the same time promised Him that i will and want to love Him through the way that i lead my life (not just in pastoral ministry but in all aspects).. and it hit me at the same time.. that when He said in the bible..

"37 Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' "
- Matthew 22:37 -

He means loving Him with every single bit of me.. my heart, my thoughts, my being, my attitudes, my actions, my speech, etc.. and to love Him with all these in the best manner and fullest potential.. i need to let Him cleanse my heart, my thoughts and my past.. why is my past included? cos who i have become today or how i react to things, has a lot to do with how i have been moulded, affected and influenced previously.. even though i have came to know God and leading a new life with Him.. there are still old parts of me that need to be dig out to be cleaned up or changed.. to really lead my life to my fullest potential.. just like what my leader, Wen Jiang said "God wants to change those parts of us and our lives that don't jive with His words cos His words are given to us to give us a life, life to the full."
indeed.. God is really doing the cleaning.. which is scary and painful at the same time.. cos having to face the ugly side of yourself really needs a lot of courage and humility at the same time.. it is also the same for inviting people to speak into your life especially correction.. really very hard to swallow.. lol.. but at the end of the day i know it is for my own good.. so yeah.. unless i allow Him to clean things up in me.. i will never be walking right with Him or going to be able to fulfill my fullest potential..
so please pray for me.. haha.. pray that i have the courage and humility to face the things that God is going to show me about myself.. then repent and ask Him to help me change from deep within.. a breakthrough is going to come with it i believe.. but i also know walking right with God is not a once off thing.. it will have to be a consistent effort.. yeah.. cos i am a sinner and i will never be perfect.. until the day Jesus comes back..

i will jia you de.. Naomi, you can do it man!!


Reformation is painful but worthwhile..

Love,
Naomi